Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Hot tips for celibating

Back in my days in the Hare Krishna movement and beyond, I learned a handy trick or two from successful celibates (Sanskrit: brahmacari). These particular lessons come from observing a fellow monk who tied up his genitals with straps of cloth with the fury of a grumpy old sailor, the great icon of repressed manhood that he was.


Kaupina is a traditional Hindu ascetic's underwear, generally made of two pieces of cloth, one serving as a belt, the other (fourteen fists long and two palms wide) as the covering flap folded over the front and tied or wrapped in the back. Ascetics who actually know their stuff install a number of protective deities into the cloth prior to wearing it.

Wearing a kaupina is supposed to be the magic masala for celibates, creating an effect called urdhva-retah or upward-flowing semen in accomplished sublimators, leading to heightened levels of spiritual energy and psychic ability. However, it's damn uncomfortable if you're sweating, jogging or under general stress.

The master fix (and people actually pay hundreds of dollars to learn this secret!) is folding the sacred underwear over swimming pants. Yes, just wearing a pair of Speedo swimming pants with a set of kaupinas wrapped tight around will guarantee you years of pleasant celibacy!


Women are also bad and evil and do not deserve to be looked in the eyes, for twinkly female eyes emanate a special radiation that makes the kaupinas go loose and the head spin around. The traditional fix is to turn your gaze to the floor.

However, being a temple president or other such pompous authority figure who needs to constantly deal with women, neck strain and even chronic neck pain can become a very real threats to a well-rounded and comfortable celibate life.

The easy shortcut fix is to simply move your gaze down far enough to keep it safely off the radiating face area. Experienced manager brahmacaris recommend moving the gaze 20-25 cm down from the chin. A pair of breasts, located conveniently in the safe zone, provide a safe visual focal point for a pair of easily agitated celibate eyes.

I have never tested the second tip owing to obvious concerns with possible kaupina issues, but apparently it has been tested and proven. The ladies in the ashrama seemed to be well aware of this evasion strategy. I won't elaborate on lady counter-methods for drawing the gaze back upwards in fear of sounding sexist or politically incorrect.


Since brahmacaris are however technically speaking supposed to digest a whole volley of abuses as education in humility (that helps you celibate), I have not exercised the same caution in this text. If any brahmacari feels offended or otherwise morose, we can perhaps meet and have a friendly chat over a cup of herbal tea, celibating together for a silent moment as a symbol of friendship and goodwill.


Dave said...

Even if most people thought you deadly serious, I always knew you had a deeply satirical streak in you.

Enjoyed and laughed at this...

Ananda said...

I was pretty stiff allright... Even if I worked for NEHKE for a bit there.

And these are real life stories, mind you!!

Blogomatic said...

Have you ever heard of tantric masturbation?
It is much more effective than so called celibacy where your nuts dry up into raisins and testosterone production practically stops.

You won't get mystic potency if your nuts dry up.

Use it or lose it.
Anything is possible with lubrication.

I expect to hear a report on tantric masturbation very soon on this blog.

Dvijati Pujaka dasa said...

"celibating together for a silent moment as a symbol of friendship and goodwill."

That was great! You are talanted baba...

Om said...

Ive practiced Tantric masturbation. It is indeed pretty powerful. The thunderbolt of wisdom is not to be neglected.

The Tantric meaning of 'brahmacari' according to Abhinavagupta is one who does Kaula rituals, that is among others, sex. Lots of it. To literally move in Brahman, as it were. Therefore, as in other spheres, brahmacari is how one defines it. Ball crushing and Lingam neglecting aside, which is is not (imho) something to celebrate.

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