Saturday, December 27, 2008

National Enquirer Hare Krishna Edition


NEHKE (National Enquirer - Hare Krishna Edition) was written by an anonymous genius over several years, published around the internet at several forums now long forgotten. A certain scribe collected them so as to preserve good laughs for future generations.

Pagal Baba, fresh back from a tour of the Saturnian moons, had this to say: "The original NEHKE reporter might still be lurking out there somewhere, feeding and gathering strength, waiting for the opportunity to tickle our hysteria one more time..."

Entries are reposted at a rate of one every day as long as they last. And if the original NEHKE reporter is somewhere out there reading all this, I'm an e-mail away and you're free to post the latest news here!

National Enquirer Hare Krishna Edition
http://nehke.blogspot.com/

31 comments:

Vegman said...

Let me know when the article comes out about the boy from Finland who went to India to find himself and got his dick stuck in his zipper.

Mano.... said...

Pagal Baba is the best...such a simple fella! Good ol' Pagal...(true baba)...he built a house in which the whole world can live!

Mano.... said...

Pagal's house is a round house...not a box.

Vegman said...

Honestly, the stuff in the "Enquirer" is not really funny. It's just stupid. Stupid is not always funny. Stupid is most often just stupid.
I will keep looking for some real humor there, but I expect is will just continue to be the same ignorant, foolish nonsense.
It's easy to be stupid, but being funny takes real talent.
Shiva is funny.
The Enquirer is just stupid.

It's like the "Dumb and Dumber".
Dumb is not funny.
Dumb is just pathetic.

Sri Krishna said...

Greetings!

It is this kind of blasphemy that will have me consider switching off the universe.

Anytime now.

1,2,3..

Here we go..

Just a sec..

One moment please..

Darn. I'll send you some demons instead.

Vegman said...

Ananda wrote:
"Strangers passing in the street
By chance two separate glances meet
And I am you and what I see is me.
And do I take you by the hand"

end quote>>>>


So, you picked this girl up off the street? Did you feed her some Nepal breakfast salad before you poked her?
I hope you are wearing protection and she has had her rabies shot.

concerned.

Krishna said...

Goddamn thee!

To all you who have forsaken me: I will see you in this imaginary place called HECK! A cruel, awful milieu, where much sin takes place, including but not limited to: loose women, beer, critical thought, computer games, and other things banned by the HK-movement.

Vegman said...

Goddamn thee!

To all you who have forsaken me: I will see you in this imaginary place called HECK! A cruel, awful milieu, where much sin takes place, including but not limited to: loose women, beer, critical thought, computer games, and other things banned by the HK-movement.

end quote>>>

Well, close. In France where Ananda is now they prefer wine over Beer. Other than that, you have pretty much pegged it.

Mr. Ananda said...

Vegman: "So, you picked this girl up off the street? Did you feed her some Nepal breakfast salad before you poked her? I hope you are wearing protection and she has had her rabies shot."

You sure are seriously fixated on my sexual ventures. What is it now, some sort of vicarious quest for that tickly sensation?

I think you can do it yourself, Kay Bee, if you really try hard! Shiva will tell you all about a very handy Swedish device for people with male shortcomings.

Vegman said...

Ananda said:
"You sure are seriously fixated on my sexual ventures. What is it now, some sort of vicarious quest for that tickly sensation"?

Ok, I confess. I took sannyasa this year in commemoration of my 55th birthday. Now, I will live out my sexual fantasies vicariously through you for the rest of my days.

So, please don't spare us the juicy details.

My pecker is in a state of suspended animation now, so by proxy, I will be having illicit sex through you from now on.

I hope that's alright?

Mr. Ananda said...

"My pecker is in a state of suspended animation now, so by proxy, I will be having illicit sex through you from now on."

Yikes! So you're sending that new Philippino wife over at ours for your remote needs? Please, where can I unsubscribe from all this? God, I'm too young for this destiny, smite ye up someone else's! Heaven help! Hail Mary, full of grace, ...

Vegman said...

Ananda wrote:

"Yikes! So you're sending that new Philippino wife over at ours for your remote needs"?

Nope. I realized what a mistake that was and I backed out.

I just got the final divorce papers in the mail today.

Damn, that was a stupid thing I did, but luckily I was able to get out of it.

I am done with women and sex.
Celibacy is sweet.

But, I will be expecting that occasional tickling sensation on my pecker (vicariously) when you are dipping your wick between spliffs.

Just be gentle.
I can't take a whole lot of excitement now at my age.

Sri Krishna said...

Vegman, you are sounding seriously homosexual. And that, my friend, is a sin. The only cure for being a homo is to chant constantly - no eating, no drinking, no blogging. So go forth, Sir Vegman, chant and be happy and become heterosexual!

Mr Krishna said...

I am so fucking sick of this motherfucking shitfuck.

FUCK FUCK FUCK this sloppy diarrhea of scripture and bullshit. Hot damn! I should have never fought on the plains of Kuruksetra. Now the motherfuckers can't stop chanting for one microsecond!! ARRHHGHHH.. I regret fighting all those demon-donkeys.. I should've let the flourish and take over the world.

Hmm. I think I should re-incarnate as a tapeworm inside some bigoted Hare Krishna's bowels. Would serve them right!

Vegman said...

Here is a funny song I thought of during Christmas. I was working at the mall and had to listen to Christmas music all day. It goes like this.
(to the tune of Santa Claus is coming to town)

He's taking a piss
shaking it twice

shake it some more
if it feels real nice

Santa Claus is coming
and Mrs. Claus is breathing real hard.

the end...


Yep, Santa Claus got arrested for lewd behavior.
Some little kid saw him comin' down a chimney.

Vegman said...

I've got nothing to prove about my sexual orientation.

If I was homosexual I certainly wouldn't be attracted to Ananda.

I personally find him to be unattractive. He is s skinny guy hiding behind a beard like a Muslim cleric.

To me he looks like Charles Manson.

I think Ananda looks like a dork.

If I was a homo I certainly wouldn't be chasing around some bearded dork 10,000 miles away.

Why would I be chasing around an ugly dork like Ananda who is on another continent?

There are plenty of fags right here in Florida.

How do we know ANANDA isn't the homo shacked up with some French flamer right now?

I've had more than my share of women.
I didn't play sannyasa.
I played the field.

Now, I am 55 and ready to give up women.

Does that make me a homo?

I have been planning for years to give up my evil ways when I hit 55.

I was too lusty and lowborn to try and artificially renounce.

So, I had all the sex any man could want.

I was never satisfied.

Chanting Hare Krishna is the only real happiness.

Anonymous said...

Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't it possible to form any kind of relationship with Krishna, including a sexual one?

Vegman said...

Conjugal love of Krishna is too pure and too spiritual to be called "sexual".
No, it is not a sexual relationship.
Sex is a material function based on lust.
Conjugal love of Krishna has no tinge of sexual lust in it's pure form.

Sex is a bestial act by two self-interested parties.

Conjugal love of Krishna is free of personal lust and sexual impulses.

Divine love is so far from sex, that that calling conjugal love of Krishna "sexual" is surely based on ignorance of the pure spiritual bliss.

Spiritual bliss is so great, that sexual acts are of no value.

In other words, in our conditioned state of existence we cannot fathom the nature of spiritual bliss and how sexual pleasure pales in comparison.

Mr. Ananda said...

Dear Vegman, your story was so touching. Really.

I mean, it takes a lot of man to admit that one needs to go on at such great length to obfuscate his glaring homosexual orientation.

The homoerotic undercurrents in some of your posts are so nuanced one'd think you've been in the butt buddy circles for an awful lot of time, and with quite some passion I might add. Then again, 55 and no opportunitites wasted, I suppose it does add up in the end.

Please go on chanting Hare Krishna, K.B., but do keep me out of your homosex fantasies, whether remote controlled or otherwise. I'm too much a man to be a man for someone like you.

Vegman said...

Mr. Ananda,

You are not a "man".
You are a boy.
A boy whose balls have gotten the best of him.

You have a long way to go Anandaji before you become a man.

You are just a little boy who found out that his pecker gets hard when he holds a girl.

Don't confuse yourself with a man.
You are a boy and a punk of a boy at that.


If I was a homo I sure wouldn't be interested in an ugly, skinny, bearded boy like you who is trying to pose as a Muslim cleric.


If I wanted a man to fantasize over, he sure wouldn't be a Charles Manson stunt double like you.

Vegman said...

Hare Krishna!

Vegman said...

Sorry Ananda,
I shouldn't have talked so harshly.

I dropped out of HK for many years, so I am no one to be throwing stones from my glass house.

I am trying to crawl back, step by step, but I still have a long way to go.

Vegman said...

No, Anandaji, I am not a homo, nor do I have any homosexual designs on you.
You know well that I started following your websites years ago when you were the prodigal son of the Krishna consciousness movement who seemed to be a very brilliant young man not satisfied with the western version of Gaudiya Vaishnavism and turning to the indigenous cults of India.

I thought then you were very unique and very bright and possibly a prototype of things to come.

I guess I was wrong.

It did disappoint me and sadden me that you have at least claimed to have rejected and abandoned the bhakti cult.

I keep following your blogs in hopes of finding some clue that in fact that is not true and you are just rejecting your latest guru and taking a sabbatical from the whole thing for a while until you can regroup and come back with a guru that you truly believe in.

That was my theory, but with every passing day I am losing hope in that and really starting to believe that you have actually left the lotus feet of Sri Chaitanya Mahaprabhu and gone away to the unknown quarters.

Mano.... said...

Unknown to some Vegman. Life for others...

Maybe bhakti remains (but unknown). It has always been a thing of the heart...a quiet devotion.

Vegman said...

I am quite sure that this picture of Santa Krishna will inspire Ananda to return to the Gaudiya cult.

http://www.harekrsna.com/sun/editorials/12-08/radhakrishnasanta.jpg

Mr. Ananda said...

"I am quite sure that this picture of Santa Krishna will inspire Ananda to return to the Gaudiya cult."

Maybe, if they lived inside mushrooms like the Smurfs, I would, but only if I got Smurfette. I'm pretty sure you could also embed them into a Star Trek universe and have me maintain at least a mediocre level of interest in the phenomenon.

Vegman said...

Krishna and his energy does live in even the mushrooms. You already have the Smurfette, but the problem is when you try and take Smurfette from Smurfettanatha she turns into Durgasmurf and kills you will many nasty weapons.

Beware of Durgasmurff?
She will chew you up and spit you out like a bloody hocker.

Smurfettes are maya dude!

Mr. Ananda said...

Man, you need to get hold of some good skunk and go smoke it right away now. You still have hope until dawn, though 90% of the inflicted meet their demise soon after the first incoherent blurts of inebria.

Vegman said...

I have smoked many pounds of the stuff for many years. It eventually got to be like a prison that I wanted out of. It is so great being out of the stone wall prison of the sweet smoke.
But, we all have to move at our own pace.
Being stoned is pleasurable for some time, maybe some years, but for me it just got to be a real drag.
Heck, I even gave up caffeine.
But, I do have my swiss water-process organic defaf in the morning.
Having a cup right now before I chant 16 rounds.
Heck, I guess I could even say I follow the 4 regs now.
It's the most fun I have had in many years.
Smoke it till it ain't fun anymore.
Thats what I did.

Mano.... said...

Maybe a holiday to Brazil Vegman? I recall they taught us early on in 'the collective school of krsna consciousness' that, we gotta get along to taste the Name of the Person. Santo Daime may just have the answers to give...

'persons are individuals who transcend their merely organic individuality in conscious participation'.

Maybe Veg, in time there will only be 'One Person', and the names will not be just a set number to 'have to do'...but instead It will be what we really are. Its a Personal Affair, always has been.

Mano.... said...

Or, if the plant is taboo, a good book like 'The Phenomenon of Man by Teilhard de Chardin' does the trick. He had some good thoughts way back there in the early 20th century. We have come along way...since then. Like all the books Veg, keep em' current with the times! (fundies is not funs)

Ananda is on the journey Veg, and if he passes through the obstacle (like we all gotta do), he will be a fine gentleman of the 21st century. The game ain't over Veg.

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